The Random Tales of Pippin
by Hermione Vader
Summary: What do you get when you mix Pippin, Star Wars, and hair growth magic? TOTAL CHAOS, of course! R&R, NO FLAMES!
1. Chapter 1

**The Random Tales of Pippin**

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR and I am not making any money off of this fic. I just borrowed the characters for these separate little ficlets.

Summary: These are just some random little unrelated stories about Pippin. The first one takes place while Gandalf is prepping Pippin for their meeting with Denethor; unfortunately for Gandalf, Pippin is watching _Star Wars_ (the original trilogy) while he prepares for the meeting.

**Warning: Do Not Mix Pippin **

**With _Star Wars_**

Pippin and Gandalf sat in a little inn in some tiny, nameless Gondorian village; they were close to Minas Tirith now, if they rode fast enough, they could reach Gondor's capital by nightfall. Gandalf began to instruct Pippin on his behavior during their meeting with Denethor.

Gandalf began his little speech on proper behavior: "Peregrin Took, I should hope you're listening because I do not want another catastrophe like the one in Moria. You will not speak to Denethor. You----"

"Cool!" Pippin interjected.

"What is it now, you fool of a Took?"

"The Death Star just blew up Alderaan! An entire planet went BOOM! into nothing!"

"Whatever are you talking about?"

"_Star Wars_, of course! I found it on the television this morning."

"What is a television?"

"It's this little box right here, with moving pictures inside."

"That's nice. To continue, you will not interact with the Steward in any way; you will be as good as invisible."

"Is the Steward like Grand Moff Tarkin?"

"Er----what?"

"You know, Grand Moff Tarkin, that ugly guy right there. He's Darth Vader's henchman, although it seems like Tarkin is really in charge."

"Darth who?"

"Darth _Vader_. Duh. That guy right there with the cool black suit and the breathing problem. I guess he's kinda like Sauron, only a little less all powerful, and Vader can strangle people without touching them."

"Peregrin, you are making absolutely no sense whatsoever."

"Thanks, Gandalf."

"Anyway, as I was saying, this is the _most important rule_: DO NOT MENTION BOROMIR'S DEATH IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM!"

"Okay." Pippin stared distractedly at the TV as he answered.

"Peregrin! Did you listen to a word of what I just said?"

"Yeah."

"Repeat my words exactly."

"Do not mention Princess Leia's hairdo."

"No."

"Mention Chewbacca's holochess skills."

"Not even close."

"Tell Denethor about the Millennium Falcon."

"No way."

"Give the Steward the blueprints for the Death Star."

"What?"

"Inform Luke of Boromir's death."

"You're just being silly now."

"Show the---WAIT! I THINK I'VE GOT IT! Do not mention Boromir's death in any way, shape, or form."

"By George, he's got it!"

So Pippin and Gandalf left and set off for Minas Tirith. They reached the city that afternoon; it took them about another hour to reach the Steward's palace. When they had their audience with Denethor, Pippin behaved until the Steward inquired about Boromir's death. At that moment, Pippin forgot all about Gandalf's instructions.

"Your Grace, Obi-Wan died protecting my cousin and me when we were attacked by Imperial Storm Troopers," he stated solemnly. Then on a more excited note, he motioned to Gandalf, and announced, "I have also captured the droid containing the Death Star's blueprints."

Gandalf put his head in his hands; Denethor stared at Pippin as though he should be institutionalized.

**Merry's World**

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or _Wayne's World_ (unfortunately).

A/N: I know this story gives the cable-access show to Merry, but he makes a better Wayne, while Pippin would be a better Garth (the goofy sidekick); Pippin does get a lot of comic relief, though. This fic features special appearances by Lou the Random Hobbit and Gollum.

Merry and Pippin sat on a couch in Merry's basement, preparing to do their live cable-access show while the camera crew (i. e. Frodo and Sam) finished setting up their equipment. Once that was done, cameras began rolling (except that Sam's camera was facing himself).

"Merry's World! Merry's World! Hobbit Time! Excellent!" the dynamic duo chanted.

"Party on, Pippin," Merry interjected.

"Party on, Merry," Pippin replied.

"Welcome to Merry's World; I am your host, Merry Brandybuck; and this is my co-host, cousin, and best friend, Pippin Took," Merry stated to the audience. "We have a great show for you tonight. Let's bring out our first guest: coming straight from his lair in the Misty Mountains is the one, the only Gollum!"

Gollum hobbled up to a recliner; Frodo noticed him, shrieked like a girl, and ran away, so Sam took over that camera.

"So Gollum," Merry began, "what's it like to be a slave to the One Ring?"

"It burnses; it freezes," Gollum answered.

"Um, okay…so how did the Ring come into your possession?"

"It was a birthday presentses…"

"Didn't you have to kill a friend to get it?"

"It was our birthday and we wanteds it."

"There you have it, folks. Thank you for coming on the show, Gollum."

Gollum noticed Sam and began advancing toward him, shrieking, "The fat hobbit, he knowses, he wantses it, but we must not let him have it." Then he attacked Sam; they fought, rolling around on the ground until they both rolled out the back door. At this point, Frodo came back into the basement and resumed filming the show, while he, Merry, and Pippin placed bets on who would win the fight.

"Well, that was certainly, erm, interesting," Merry commented. "For our next guest we have, all the way from Hobbiton, Lou the Random Hobbit."

Lou entered and stood next to the sofa, holding what looked like a deformed hair dryer.

"Today, Lou has brought his new invention, the Blo-Gro," Merry informed the audience. "Tell us, Lou, exactly what the function of this intriguing instrument is."

"Well, Merry, the Blo-Gro is powered by Elven hair-growth magic; when combined with a hair dryer, the magic causes hair to grow at a rate of about one foot per 30 seconds. I created the Blo-Gro to help people change their hairstyles at any given moment," Lou stated.

"Could you demonstrate the machine's capabilities for us, Lou?"

"Yes, but I would need a volunteer."

"Pippin would be glad to be your guinea pig, wouldn't you Pip?"

"I don't know, Merry…" Pippin began.

"Please! I'll give you my ale and Old Toby everyday for a month," Merry begged.

"You already do that anyway, but okay."

"Hooray!" Merry performed bell kicks in celebration.

Lou then began to explain his gadget's function. "I just turn the blow-dryer on like so and direct it at Pippin's head."

Pippin's hair started to grow at an alarming rate; after three minutes, his hair had already covered his entire body and now two feet of it was dragging on the floor.

"HELP! I can't see!" Pippin exclaimed.

"It's okay, Pippin," Merry soothed, "I'll just get the scissors." He looked everywhere for the scissors, but couldn't find them.

"Thanks, Merry, this is just great," Pippin snapped sarcastically. "That's it! I'm out of here! I'll go find someone who can actually _help_ me." He began to walk away.

"Wait, Pippin, don't---" THUD! Pippin walked straight into the wall; he backed up and fell backwards over a chair. He then tried to stand up, but instead tripped on his hair and fell flat on his face.

"I think I've broken something," Pippin moaned.

"CALL 911!" Merry ordered. "Hello, 911? My friend here slipped on his hair and broken something." Amused laughter resonated from the receiver.

_FIN._


	2. Pippin and the CheezIts

**Pippin and the Cheez-Its**

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

One day, Pippin was strolling along in the Shire when he came upon a box of Cheez-Its. He ran over to the box, but as soon as it was within his reach, another hand snatched the box away. He looked up and saw that a young human boy of about thirteen had grabbed the box and was shoving handfuls of the Cheez-Its into his mouth.

"Hey!" Pippin exclaimed, "That's mine!"

"I got it first," the boy protested.

"But I saw it first!" Pippin retorted.

"Too bad. The Cheez-Its are in my tummy now."

"Gimme the box!"

The boy turned the Cheez-Its box over to the side that stated "GET YOUR OWN BOX." Suddenly the kid, whom we shall call Peter, began feeling around in the box for something; Pippin stood silently, watching him. After about two minutes, Peter pulled a Golden Ticket out of the box.

"Hooray! I got a Golden Ticket!" he shouted gleefully.

"What does a Golden Ticket have to do with Cheez-Its?" Pippin asked.

"I don't know, but maybe I can get a lifetime supply of Cheez-Its with this thing!" Peter mused.

"Hey! Gimme that! I want a lifetime supply of Cheez-Its!"

"No! It's MINE! It's ALL MINE!"

"But I saw the box first!"

"Okay, let's go to the Cheez-Its factory and split the prize."

"Okay."

So Pippin and Peter spent the next two days walking to the Cheez-Its factory. When they got there, they marched up to the front entrance and announced their find.

"We are here to receive our lifetime supply of Cheez-Its!" Pippin proclaimed to the closed front door.

Anonymous Factory Worker #1 (AFW1) opened the door and told them, "We don't give out lifetime supplies of Cheez-Its."

"But we found this Golden Ticket, and we've come to claim our prize," Peter explained, waving the Ticket in the air.

AFW2 appeared and told them, "We don't give out Golden Tickets; someone must've put that in the box to fool you guys."

Pippin and Peter began to cry, so the workers gave each of them a lifetime supply of Cheez-Its. This made them happy. Sauron, however, who'd watched the whole scene from behind a rock, fumed with rage.

"THE PLAN HAS FAILED!" he shrieked, killing all living things with in a two-mile radius. "NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SPREAD UNHAPPINESS AND MISERY THROUGHOUT MIDDLE EARTH!"

Just as he screamed this thought, a new plan entered his mind…

_FIN_.


End file.
